I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Randomize
