When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
