his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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