He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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