After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
