Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
