you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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