i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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