i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
