So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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