So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
