someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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