mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
