just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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