I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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