She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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