The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
