I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
