my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
