I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
