The maid of honor just puked.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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