new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
