Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
