What a fucking waste of an outfit
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
