I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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