people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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