I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
