Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
