Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
do herpes really smell.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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