You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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