Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
