Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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