Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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