last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How external is "for external use only"?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
