I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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