i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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