So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
