im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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