A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
