if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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