He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
