Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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