If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
