Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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