when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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