I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
