How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
PANTIES FOUND
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