I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
