you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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