The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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