Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
