someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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