how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't deserve a penis
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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