Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
