we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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